How to Get Your Ex Back – Christian Dating Advice for Men

To all the Christian Men who are going through a difficult time. May this speak truth and help you in a practical way. It may be tough to hear but it is needed. Remember you are feeling this way because one of God’s first commands was to be fruitful and multiply. The loss of a relationship is very similar to the death of a family member or a close friend.

Are your strategies really working for you? Or are you reading this because you need help? Do you feel like this Proverb?

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But when desire is fulfilled, it is a tree of life.”

Proverbs 13:12 AMP

Disclaimer: This advice is for the Men who got dumped, it is not for the man who dumped the girl (although there are lessons for you here). If you walked away, you need to reach out, speak your mind, and ask her out for a definite date.

Speak your heart

If the breakup just happened you need to communicate what you want. If you have had this conversation, or if it’s been a year, skip this step. Honestly for the majority of men, you don’t need to say anything else. They walked away, you did not.

She needs to know that you want to work things out, you love her, and you respect her decision. You should be nice. As Matthew Hussey once said, “Be kind with your words but firm on your actions.” You want to leave your last impression with her as a positive one.

Communicate that you don’t want friendship. Don’t be long winded. This can be a phone call or a text. If you talk to her on the phone, aim for a 1-2 minute phone call. If you send a text, keep it to one paragraph. She left you. She needs to feel the loss and you need to move on. Tell her, “If things change let me know.”

Never Accept the Friend-Zone

Was watching (a video on YouTube) Jimmy Evans speak on dating. He is a great Pastor who has blessed me a lot. He said, “You should be friends first.” This is what many teach. This may sound great and may have even worked for some throughout history. Just because someone wins the lottery doesn’t mean you should start going to Vegas.

A true man communicates his true thoughts. When a man can communicate how he truly feels, a woman will trust him. A woman needs a man who will stand up for her.

A weak man will be deceptive and afraid of the truth. If you truly want to take her out on a date, tell her. Don’t accept friendship when that’s really not what you want. What wife allows her husband to have friends that are women? Men and women are not meant to be close friends. Is your new girlfriend going to want your “friend” (ex) to join y’all on the ferris wheel? A man should be close friends with a man. A woman should be close friends with a woman.

No Contact

Some relationship coaches say you should do the 14 day, 21 day, or 31 day no contact rule. Some will even teach that, “If you follow this pattern, you are ‘guaranteed’ to get her back.” This is not true. There are no magic slippers for you to wear, click, and fix this situation. There is a solution, put one foot in front of the other. Two things will happen, you get back with her or find someone better. Here is what works best:

◦ No texts

◦ No calls

◦ No Birthday messages

◦ No Christmas Cards

◦ 21 days? 30? No.. Forever.

◦ No likes on Facebook

◦ Nothing

This raises the stakes for them (they will feel your loss). Hanging around gives them comfort. They get the best of both worlds. No contact does not mean you decline their calls. You should not be mean or rude. Some try and use deceptive dating tactics that manipulate people. If they reach out, I’ll show you what to do later.

This will create a mystery.

This benefits you because you are not waiting for a text/call back. Attraction happens when two people are together, desire takes place when two people are away. It’s that desire of Chick-Fil-A on Sunday. It’s the reason you don’t eat breakfast on Thanksgiving. If you don’t have some separation and space in the relationship you will eventually be separated.

“The strongest negotiating position is to walk away and mean it.”

Micheal Young

Work on yourself

So what can you do? You will definitely have a desire to do something to text to call here arevsome practical things you can do in the meantime. Remember no contact is about improving yourself.

◦ Workout

◦ Buy teeth whitener

◦ Build wealth

◦ Go to Church

◦ If you don’t have a date on Friday night I’ll get you one it’s 7pm at your local gym.

◦ Work on a physical project so you get yourself tired and you can sleep better (Ecclesiastes 5:12)

◦ Clean your house/vehicle

◦ Go have lunch with your Pastor or a friend

Own your own mistakes. Stop blaming others for your poor choices. Don’t dwell on these questions forever. This is to help you grow. If you get her back and do the same thing that made her leave you’ll be back at the same place. Ask yourself:

◦ “Why did the relationship fail?”

◦ “Was it too needy”

◦ “Did I stop taking her out on dates”

◦ “Did I let myself go and stop working out?”

◦ “Did I text too much?”

◦ “Did I become her friend?”

What if she reaches out?

Be kind and sweet. Remember you’re working out, slaying dragons, and enjoying life. When they reach out you need to…

Set a Definite Date. You need a time and a place. You ask a girl out shes either gonna say yes, or give you an exuse. A maybe is a no. Never agreed to a date if you do not have a time and a place where you are pocking her up.

If you do not have the time and place you do not have a definite date. If she will not agree to a time and a place, tell her, “Well it sounds like you’re not sure what your schedule is like, why don’t you reach out when you know your schedule better. Good to hear from you!” Then let her reach back out to you. If she doesn’t that shows you how she values you.

Some things mean nothing. Some men think it’s ok to start communicating again because she:

◦ Liked one of your photos on social media

◦ Saw you at the store and waved

◦ Or vaguely posted about something you liked

◦ Or said, “ Happy Birthday” on Facebook

These things are not green lights to just assume she wants to get back together. No she has your number. Honestly it may be best to just delete your Facebook app (not your account) to get your mind from constantly checking it.

If she is thinking of you she will send you a random text. It will be something totally random or vague. That is your opportunity to invite her out on a date. Say:

“Hey great to hear from you, (refer back to what she texted you) Would love to take you out for dinner, when are you free?”

Grieve the Loss

Don’t live in fantasy land. In your mind, you need to grieve the loss and realize that she left you… It hurts. It’s similar pain as a death because you’re not seeing them or talking to them. But the faster you can grieve the faster you can get it out of your heart.

If you choose to believe that you will get back together, you are giving yourself false hope. Some men choose to live in a false reality because the truth just hurts… You don’t need to talk bad about her or write her a mean letter… No grieve this loss and continue with your life.

Conclusion

Breakups hurt. Jesus is there for us. Take time to go to church and go to God with your pain. He has the best in store for us.

Pursuing a girl who is no longer interested in you is worthless. Sometimes doing nothing is the answer. Walt Disney said, “Laughter is timeless, imagination has no age, and dreams are forever.” Your dream is to be in a good relationship, your dream isn’t determined by anyone else. Your dreams don’t end when your relationship ends. Keep believing, face reality, and keep trusting in God. I am believing God has a better relationship for you, whether that’s with the girl who left or with a better one.

Extra:

It may be odd to see you or read for my style of content for this website. I just see so many men who are Christians who really need help getting married. I see so much garbage advice. If we are to grow the churches a whole we need men to get married, have children, and be leaders for the Lord.

I want to thank Relationship Coach Corey Wayne for giving me some great advice. His advice is what helped me get married and live the live I dreamt of. I believe that if you take Corey Wayne’s advice and add Christian Morals to it, such as, “No sex before marriage, no hookups, set physical boundaries, etc.”, and you excuse his vulgarity, it is the best dating advice out there. I also recommend Boundaries in Dating by Henry Cloud.